Sea Lion

6:07 am

After having a huge, passionate fit due to realization of what I want to major in, I will go to sleep happy and content. This feeling of purpose coexists with the route I choose to take - career wise. I have never been so sure of anything in my life.

4 months ago More Info

“I’m just sippin’ on chamomile”

What a long/stressful day.

I’m just glad it’s over.

I could totally go for a night walk right now.

6 months ago More Info

Exactly one month

Till the first day of school at WSU.

Excitement (:

6 months ago More Info

This may sound corny, but…

Sadness can bring a lot of beauty into your life,

along with realizations that you could never see when you were happy.

Thank you so much, for opening my eyes to all that I was missing.

6 months ago More Info

July 19, 2011

I am hurt.

Never before have I ever been so hurt in my life. The truth is, I have experienced many traumatic events in my childhood and even early adolesence.

It is selfish of me to say though, that the event of losing a very close friend has hit me the hardest.

It was my fault though, I assume. Not that I did anything wrong, because all I did was care. In fact, me “caring” to that extent, was what made it wrong, and possibly, even concluded this friendship.

But what was even worse than losing this really good friend of mine, was during the entire process of becoming close to him, I lost myself.

I began to lose sight of my priorities, my goals & aspirations, and also, I began to lose my family.

I pushed everything and everyone else aside, and ironically, I always told him this piece of advice: Put yourself before everyone & everything.

Through out our entire friendship, I gave my all, and in turn, I gave myself away and gave myself nothing. I allowed this one person to carry my happiness - something I deeply misunderstood the consequnces of.

And now that that one person who I allowed to carry my happiness has step out of my life, I feel…so alone.

I feel like a piece of me is missing, and this feeling of uneasiness continues to grow within the pit of my stomach.

This constant fight for happiness was searched for in the wrong way.

and now, I have to face the consequences.

I am a smart girl, but it is SO ridiclous of me, to have let one person control my happiness. I have been through way too much in my life, to let this break me. and I will continue to do all that I can to regain myself, regain my happiness, and regain my strength.

This may all seem dramatic, childish, and silly, but, it is the way that I feel, and I am trying so fucking hard to pick myself up.

I have so much ahead of me, I know that.

It’s just, the future seems so bleak right now.

I know I will find myself again, it’s just going to take some time.

“Everything happens for a reason”.

The sound of those words are beginning to grow useless, but it’s really all that I have to push me forward.

I pray to god for strength, because I am so tired in all aspects.

I started taking sleeping pills so I would sleep early, sleep even more, and consequently, it would give me less idle time on my hands to think about this current state.

I feel very, very sad, and although I am always surrounded by people, I feel very alone.

I do not like this point in my life, and although I wish that I could push the forward button, I know that this had to come.

Somehow, this sick, and twisted event, had to have taught me something.

I’ve been through a similar experience before, and I coped through writing, literature, poetry, art, and expression. I became empowered and I molded my artisitc character out of my hurt.

This time around, I feel I am handling it a lot worse than the first time around.

My friend Jesse told me I am coping in a messy way.

But, I am human.

I will learn, I will grow, and I will live.

And I will continue to fight daily for my happiness.

6 months ago More Info

You’ve dug yourself into this hole.

Now find your way out.

Nothing is going to change; that has been made clear.

It is those around you who will change.

Through words, actions, and a fragmented mind-set, so much has been tossed and thrown about.

It is now time to face the consequences.

Blaming others will solve nothing, but instead, it will widen the burden.

I wish the best for you, and to all of those who love you the most.

I have my own life to continue. It started a long time ago.

And from day one, I knew that it was me that would have to start this change.

6 months ago More Info

Negligence

Every once in a while, people are entitled to receive wake-up calls to keep them planted on the ground. Even if that reminder be given to you by a drunken man, there’s still some truth in it nonetheless.

7 months ago More Info

So much has occured within these 3 small months.

7 months ago More Info

Out of the norm.

I woke up today at nearly 12 noon. The house was silent, and this feeling of complete emptiness, confusion, and eeriness crept over me. It was apparent that the girls had left for school, and Esther and the baby had gone to run some errands. Usually, I yearn and cherish for the house to be as quiet and empty as it was, but for some reason, the absolute vacancy of it startled me.

I lay in bed, listening to the bustle of outside activities and surveyed the clutter that inhabited my room. In attempt to rid my feelings of uneasiness and mild fright, I decided to take a shower. During my shower, the feeling of uncertainty and the frustration of not knowing where these feelings stemmed from, lingered in the very condensation and moisture that clung on the walls and mirrors of the bathroom. What is it? I thought. What is it? After my 30 minute shower, I emerged from the bathroom and was greeted with the silence that only the absence of all life can give you. This seemed to intensify my tightening nerves.

The feeling of imbalance continued to hover above me as I occupied the computer area with the hopes of ridding myself from this unknown feeling. Then, out of nowhere, it came to me with full force.

Last night, I dreamed that some evil force, or some wicked being was out to get me. And just like in all my similar dreams, I fought to preserve my life, and always, I succeeded. In this dream, however, the tables seemed to have turned on me, or fate had decided that it was finally time for me to do the contrary.

I am unable to recall the majority of the dream, it being that I forget about my dreams the second I emerge from the REM cycle, but there is one particular scene from my dream that I can recall clear as day.

Me, my sister Amber, and some others (who are mostly banished from my memory) were laying face-down on the floor. Amber was laying next to me and the others were all pleading to the killer(s) to spare our lives. There was lots of shouting being made by the killers, although, I am unable to recall their exact appearance. It seemed as if their physical form was non-existent; just evil entities that had power to control humanly, inanimate objects.

I can recall me and Amber huddling face-down on the floor. We were so close to one another, I could feel her hyperventilating breathes on my arm; however, I, for some reason remained silent. A feeling of calm, composure encompassed me; waiting for the next actions to be made. I then heard the sound of the gun go off, and Amber shrieked out loud. Soon, my right ear was flooded with the agonizing cries of Amber; frantic and helpless. I immediately knew that the object that emerged from the loud firing of the gun came into contact with the right side of my neck. I had been shot. I did not fight, nor did my body compulsively jerk around, but instead, I lay still, and sedated.

I felt the cold, hollowness from the bullet spread through the right side of my neck. I closed my eyes; accepting to whatever might come before me next, spiritually or in physical form. All was silent.

Then I awoke.

1 year ago More Info