July 19, 2011
I am hurt.
Never before have I ever been so hurt in my life. The truth is, I have experienced many traumatic events in my childhood and even early adolesence.
It is selfish of me to say though, that the event of losing a very close friend has hit me the hardest.
It was my fault though, I assume. Not that I did anything wrong, because all I did was care. In fact, me “caring” to that extent, was what made it wrong, and possibly, even concluded this friendship.
But what was even worse than losing this really good friend of mine, was during the entire process of becoming close to him, I lost myself.
I began to lose sight of my priorities, my goals & aspirations, and also, I began to lose my family.
I pushed everything and everyone else aside, and ironically, I always told him this piece of advice: Put yourself before everyone & everything.
Through out our entire friendship, I gave my all, and in turn, I gave myself away and gave myself nothing. I allowed this one person to carry my happiness - something I deeply misunderstood the consequnces of.
And now that that one person who I allowed to carry my happiness has step out of my life, I feel…so alone.
I feel like a piece of me is missing, and this feeling of uneasiness continues to grow within the pit of my stomach.
This constant fight for happiness was searched for in the wrong way.
and now, I have to face the consequences.
I am a smart girl, but it is SO ridiclous of me, to have let one person control my happiness. I have been through way too much in my life, to let this break me. and I will continue to do all that I can to regain myself, regain my happiness, and regain my strength.
This may all seem dramatic, childish, and silly, but, it is the way that I feel, and I am trying so fucking hard to pick myself up.
I have so much ahead of me, I know that.
It’s just, the future seems so bleak right now.
I know I will find myself again, it’s just going to take some time.
“Everything happens for a reason”.
The sound of those words are beginning to grow useless, but it’s really all that I have to push me forward.
I pray to god for strength, because I am so tired in all aspects.
I started taking sleeping pills so I would sleep early, sleep even more, and consequently, it would give me less idle time on my hands to think about this current state.
I feel very, very sad, and although I am always surrounded by people, I feel very alone.
I do not like this point in my life, and although I wish that I could push the forward button, I know that this had to come.
Somehow, this sick, and twisted event, had to have taught me something.
I’ve been through a similar experience before, and I coped through writing, literature, poetry, art, and expression. I became empowered and I molded my artisitc character out of my hurt.
This time around, I feel I am handling it a lot worse than the first time around.
My friend Jesse told me I am coping in a messy way.
But, I am human.
I will learn, I will grow, and I will live.
And I will continue to fight daily for my happiness.
